Alice ain't got nothin' on me!
by saving private brinny
Summary: keiko is starting out at a new school and meets the rest of the gang. No spiritual powers, just weirdedness.Note: yaoi,OOC,swearing,attempted suicide.
1. Default Chapter

Before I start this story I just thought I should mention a few things. 1) This story has MAJOR OOC.

So before all of you jump down our throats about it, We Know, We Wrote It, We Watch YYH Too, Leave us Alone!

Ahem, anyhoo, 2) We don't really hate kuwabara he's just fun to pick on.

3) Don't like yaoi, and can't take a joke don't read!

Disclaimer: tied to chair and looking at cue cards I am in no way making a profit from this. YYH belongs to some Japanese guy (who will not sell it to me). I own nothing.breaks from cue cards Wait a minute, whatta ya mean I don't own anything? I own my soul!

Amy: no you don't. You sold that for a 'Shonen Jump' comic book remember? (Which you then sold for a piece of gum.)

Me: oh yeah…

Guy: on with the disclaimer!

Me: Oh yeah! Anyway, please don't sue! guy whispers in my ear OH! I also don't own 'Shonen Jump'. Ok! I did it! Can I have it back now?

Guy: Yeah whatever. tosses me a package (Ewww! Not that kind!)

Me: rips it open finally she has returned!huggles little plushy of the purple teletuby my preciusssss.

Amy: O.O Ummm…. On with the story!

A/N: By the way anything in bold is a note from me.

_Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Little birds sat on the window sill of a young brunette's window_ **(that didn't make sense! Hee Hee!)**_ Lulling her from her slumber. The young girl slowly opened her eyes peering at the singing animals outside._

**Crash!!**

A fist went sailing through the window startling the poor winged creatures outside shitless. The fist wrapped itself around one of the birds, strangled it slightly before chucking it at the tree just outside. The bird fell limp with big swirly things for eyes.

"Fly, Mother Fckers, Fly!!"

"What about Bob?!"

"Screw Bob! That bitch has got problems!"

**(Who knew birds have such a colorful vocabulary! O.O )**

Keiko Yukimura stomped around her room mumbling about birds and (for some unknown reason) apple pie.

Keiko glared at her reflection in the mirror. Or to be more precise her uniform.

"What kind of sick bastard would pick out this uniform? It makes me look ten!"

Keiko stomped down the stairs flipping off any mirrors or pictures she happened to pass by.

Breakfast was the same as always. She kicked her brother, talked back to her dad, and pretended to gag on her mothers cooking twice.

After that ummm… VERY interesting way to greet a new day Keiko headed off for her first day of school in her new town. (But before she could do that she had to borrow some money from her mom.)

Now, even though Keiko is new to town, that doesn't mean she's stupid. As everyone knows it's an unwritten law among bus drivers** (I call them the shepherds of our fates. I think it's pretty obvious why. If not tell me and I'll clear it all up for you.)** That they are to always pass by the new kid's house and make them chase after the bus for about three blocks before letting you on. Well, Keiko had thought ahead and was now (at this very moment, in the present time, at the exact same time you are reading this) spreading thumb tacks all over the side of the road that the bus would be coming through. Only seconds after Keiko had gotten out of the road the bus came rolling on down the street.

**POP SCREECH POP SHOUTING SILENCE**

Ahh. Let us all bask in this miracle of nature. Complete and utter silence. A very strange occurrence indeed. But all things must come to an end and this end came a little too soon. At least for Keiko it did.

**WHAT THE-**

Warning!!! Due to extremely graphic language this part of the story shall be replaced with a more pleasant and less troublesome scene.

A HUGE wooden stage is seen with these really big curtains and stuff. Then the spotlight is turned on and bathed in the glow of the light is me! Wearing this little ballerina outfit thing (don't worry it's not pink. It's black and red) with a top hat and cane thing. All of a sudden music starts playing and I start tap dancing.

"_On the good ship lollipop with the something something something something and a something happens and I don't know the words to this song!! And I can't spell lollypop it's the spell check that's doing it. (All this is song to the tune of 'Good Ship Lollypop')_

start's doing the mocarina "This is the only dance I know!!"

WE WILL NOW RETURN YOU TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDUALLED PROGRAM.

"Now Miss. Yukimura were just going to assume that all those tacks outside your house were already their and you had nothing to do with their appearance in the road understand?**(ahhh If only he knew)** Now please head to room 302 for first period you don't want to be late for your first day of school."

"That's what _you_ think"

"Huh!?"

"Nothing!"

Keiko quickly closes the door behind her

"fool"

It's said that her evil laughter could be heard all around the world and that Satan screamed like a little girl at the sound of it and spent the rest of the day hiding under the blankets sucking his thumb.

TBC

Ok the first chapter wasn't that funny but the next one will! I swear!

sigh Spell Check sucks it keeps claiming that I'm spelling my own name wrong! Why are computers so cruel to me?! WAHHH!!! I'm so sad!

Amy: I'm happy that your sad!

Brinny: that's not very nice… Oh well!

BYE!!

Brinny

P.S. By the way does anybody know how to spell Macarina?

P.P.S Review or I'll gouge your eyes out with my rusty Spork of doom!!!


	2. Of short men and long speaches

Wahh! I'm so sorry! I would have updated sooner but my freakin' computer won't let me go on the internet! What? Wadda you mean that's not a good enough excuse? Fine! No fic for you!sticks tongue out I'm gonna walk away from my computer now, pretend I never posted the first chapter to this…what's that? You're sorry! Yeah! Okay! You win I'll update!

Disclaimer: Really? _I_ own Yu-Yu-Hakusho! Oh My God! You don't know how long I've been waiting for this day!sob

**Boldauthors note**

Ahhh, a door. A wooden item uprooted from some forest in Brazil in order to hold us prisoner to whatever place it's blocking the exit of. The biggest tattle tale in the entire world. For no matter how softly you try to shut them, they always slam back into their place. Both alerting your warden of your escape and preventing others from following suit. What could be hidden just beyond this imposing piece of wood? The greatest treasures of the world? The meaning of life? The everlasting flames of Hell? Cheese! Not in this case. Behind this particular door was Keiko Yukimura's new class.

Keiko: class 123. How original. glances at other doors along the hall Holy Shit! They all say 'class 123'! O.O

The door in front of Keiko swung open. A tall, dark man with an evil aura surrounding him stood within the frame of the door. At least he _looked_ tall, dark, and evil. Then the light above them turned on and Keiko was forced to look _way _down in order to see him. He looked a bit like her grandpa. Same teeny tiny spectacles perched so far down his nose that Keiko wandered how he could possibly see through them, same Albert Einstein hair, even a similar face. Round and so wrinkly you could barely see his eyes.

Teacher: Yes? (**He's talking pretty loudly since he's practically deaf. And mumbling so you can barely understand what he's saying so he sounded like he was saying "yemsh")**

Keiko: I'm the new student Keiko Yukimura.

Teacher: may go?

Keiko: Keiko!

Teacher: You don't have to ask me to go to the bathroom miss I'm not your teacher!

Keiko: Yes you are!

Teacher: Par? I didn't know we were playing golf!

Keiko:leans down and screams into his ear I'm the new student!

Teacher: I don't know why your screaming young lady, but you must be Keiko Yukimura! The office said you'd be coming!

Keiko:falls to the ground anime style

Teacher: Whatever you're looking for Miss Yukimura pick it up and hurry up! The class is dying to meet you! I'm Mr. Chibi by the way.** (Hee Hee! Get it? Mr. Chibi! Ha Ha Ha!)**

The students were dying alright. But not to see Keiko like Mr. Chibi had said. A loud red haired kid was speaking, you guessed it, loudly to the class about how he was Number One Punk at Amy Fischer Junior High. And the kids were dying of boredom. One of the kids pulled out a sniper from god knows where and was aiming it at the self proclaimed 'Number One Punk of Amy Fischer Junior High'.

Mr. Chibi: Class, settle down. I'd like you all to meet Miss Keiko Yukimura.

The Red Haired Moron continued with his speech on why he was the greatest, the one kid continued aiming his sniper, the class was still dying of boredom, and Mr. Chibi was trying to write Keiko's name on the board but he was _much_ to short and he could only manage the bottom of the letters at the very bottom of the chalkboard. Keiko took this opportunity to glance around the classroom. It was like any other class. White walls, evil windows showing you the beauty of the outside world **(ever notice that their so freakin' clean that it fools your happiness deprived brain into thinking the glass isn't really their and you can jump through this hole in the wall to your freedom? Only to get a concussion?)** painfully bright and colorful posters hung up everywhere-ceiling, chalkboard, bulletin board, desks, doors-_except_ the windows. **(of course they can't cover up the windows! They don't want us to figure it out!) **Even the seating arrangements were the same. Single file rows. Although personally Keiko preferred this arrangement. You could draw pictures of yourself torturing your classmates and no one would know! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! WORLD DOMINATION! WORLD DOMINATION! DIE SPONGEBOB OBSESSED, GOSSIPING, NARROWMINDED, MAKE-UP FANATIC, HORMONE SLAVE, ZOMBIES! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DI-

Mr. Chibi: Ummm, Miss Yukimura? Are you okay?

Keiko: What chu talkin' 'bout Chibi?

Mr. Chibi: Well you were screaming something about world domination, and killing zombies.

Keiko: Well, um, you see…

Mr. Chibi: I understand Miss Yukimura.

Keiko: You do?

Mr. Chibi: Yes. I've dealt with many young women when their time of the month comes. You're no different. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Keiko: O.O What! I'm not on my- oh right, my time of the month. That's right Mr. Chibi! That's why I was acting like that. Wink Wink

Mr. Chibi: are you ready to resume class?

Keiko: Yep!

Mr. Chibi: Wonderful! Now then you shall be sitting next to-

**Who will Keiko be sitting next to? Why is Mr. Chibi so short? Who was aiming the sniper at 'the red haired moron'(if you don't know who the red haired moron is by now your hopeless)? Where are my socks? Why am I asking you these questions? For all these answers and more stay tuned for the next chapter of 'Alice Ain't Got Nothin' On Me!'! (AAGNOM for short)**

**Notes: **

**Chibi mini in Japanese **

**Amy Fischer A woman who was dating this guy who was married and had promised her that if his wife was gone he would marry her. So she went to his house knocked on the door, the wife answered, she shot the woman in the head.(the woman survived but she's disfigured) and then Amy went to jail. What a romantic story. **

**Yep. That's the end of the chapter. No more. Stop reading now. Okay, you can stop now. WHY WON'T YOU STOP! AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

**See the pretty purple button? Push the pretty purple button. Just imagine its red or something. Push it Damnit! **


	3. kinky polar bears and words for names

Yeah! Chapter 3! 3! I don't even have that many friends! Real ones that is. By real ones I mean people who are actually my friends, not like inanimate objects (though most of my friends are) Anyhoo! Like I said in chapter 2 I'm sorry for not updating. It's truly not my fault. I'm not a lazy writer who doesn't update cause I don't feel like it. I'm coming up with new chapters like every three days or something. I just can't put them up. GOMEN! I hate not having internet. I might as well haul out my word processor and use that for now on since that's all I'm using my computer for anyway. And I worked so hard to get it too!(I babysat my brother everyday after school for _two years!_) So since I don't have internet I don't know whether anyone's reviewing or not, so if any of you turn blue, sorry! Come fix my computer and the curse shall be lifted. Anyway, on with the fic!

Disclaimer: YYH is mine! It belongs to me! ME, me, me, me, me, me!flashback I'm innocently (not that I'm in any way innocent except that I _am_ a virgin! SICKOS!) sitting their drawing pictures of kurama and hiei, when the door bursts open and some guy rolls in super spy style shouting "Go, go, go!" clutching the gun defensively. "What's going on!" I yell. The man stands up stretching to his full height of 5ft 4in. "Repo ma'am."(Ever notice that that sentence sounds like 'Repo man' and 'Repo ma'am' at the same time? Weird.) It seems you are unable to pay for the damages you've caused." "What damages?" "Sigh. Painting the words 'Just Kill Me' on all the school windows; Hanging up pictures of cows in one of those meat factories, which caused several kids to have nervous breakdowns; hanging wooden stick dolls all over town scaring some old ladies to death; cryogenically freezing flies then putting them in all your classmates lockers, where they unfroze and swarmed out of the lockers when released which could have spread disease; and for not doing your math homework." "That's no true I totally did it! It's just that I needed an anti poser charm really quick and that was the only piece of paper I had!" "Whatever. Anyway, in order to pay for all these damages we are to take your little Yu-Yu-Hakusho idea and sell it to the highest bidder." "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Meanie!sob"end flashback See? Totally own it.

Note: **bolda/n, Amy**

Recap:

Mr. Chibi: Wonderful! Now then you shall be sitting next to-

Chapter 3 (3!)

Mr. Chibi-Botan. (That's the one with blue hair.) And Hiei, the little Goth guy.

The girl in question was seated at her desk curled up her head in her arms crying over dramatically.** (OOPS! I'm sorry I forgot to warn you the absolutely, completely insane, can't believe their same characters you know and love, are totally OOC! Run in fear! Chase me down for being such a monster! Lock me in a padded room forever-which actually if you think about it wouldn't bother me since, basically, all my friends aren't real-But for the love of god don't tickle me!)**

Keiko: What's up with her?

Mr. Chibi: Who?

Keiko: remembers scene at door Oh, nothing.

Mr. Chibi: You two don't mind Miss Yukimura do you?

Hiei: When you say _mind _are you asking us if we mind her very existence? Or if we mind her sitting next to us?

Mr. Chibi: Umm, the sitting one.

Hiei: sticks out bottom lip cutely But, But, WHAT ABOUT HENRY! HUH!

Mr. Chibi: blink blink Who's Henry?

Hiei: Henry! How could you FORGET Henry?

Mr. Chibi: But there _is_ no Henry. Hiei are you imagining things again?

Hiei: You just can't see him because you're only looking with your EYES! Not you're HEART!

Mr. Chibi: Sooooooo……. Who's Henry?

Hiei: sighs loudly Henry? You know. The Hamster. With the purple Mohawk? The one that river dances on peoples heads?** (A/N: River Dance is so cool! I'm gonna learn how to dance like that and become Lordess of the Dance! Yeah!)**

Mr. Chibi: ohh, yeah, _that_ Henry. I remember now. How foolish of me to forget!mutters Fcking syco! **(Ohh my god Mr. Chibi just swore! That's so unlike him! What Have I done? Ruined such a wonderful character worthy of teacher of the year award! Why? He was wonderful the way he was originally written! Oh wait, I wrote him! He's all mine! I could have the guy strip naked and do stand up but it wouldn't matter since I wrote him everything he does is in character! Suckers!)**

Hiei: Yeah!

Keiko: Soo, can I sit their or not?

Hiei: Who are you?

Keiko: anime fall

Botan: hysterically Ohh sure! Why not! Sit there for all we care! Hey, I have an idea! Why don't you why don't you hand cuff us naked to a polar bear in the middle of the Antarctic too!

Kurama: Oooh, _Kinky_.**( Yeah! Kuramas here too! Oh, and he's OOC too. Sorry! But it's for the sake of the plot-um, do I even _have _a plot? Hmmm, I'll think about that later, right now just keep reading, just keep reading, just keep reading… Hey I'm quoting Dory From 'Finding Nemo'!)**

Hiei: What's 'kinky' Kurama?

Kurama: You aredrools (and when I say drools I mean a national flood alert was initiated.)

Hiei: Neat-O! I'm a WORD! Take that! Nefarious!

Nefarious: You a! I hate you! I hope you and your lover are happy!Leaves room crying like a spoiled little 5 year old that you wish would just choke on her own extremely healthy lungs

Hiei: Hee, Hee! That guys so silly! I _am_ happy! gets horrified expression on face gasp But what if Your Lover isn't happy? What if he's missing something in his life? sob

Kurama: Or his pants.

Hiei: Why would Your Lover be missing something in his pants? gasp what if he's in one of those creepy cults where they cut off his thing for a purification purpose! DON'T WORRY YOU'RE LOVER! I'LL GET YOUR THING BACK! EVEN IF I HAVE TO DO IT WITH MY OWN BARE HANDS!

Kurama: I _really_ wish you would.

Keiko: How do you know it's a guy?

Hiei: Well _obviously_ it's a guy. Girls don't have anything in their pants!

Keiko: But no one ever said that Your Lover is missing anything in his pants! So we don't have any evidence that it's a he, she, or He/She!

Hiei: Yaha! Kurama said that _He_ was missing something in his pants! So it must be true if Kurama said it.

Keiko: He didn't state it as a fact! He stated it as a suggestion! Blinks Hey wait a minute, you're the kid with the sniper!

Hiei: No I'm not.

Keiko: Yes you are! I can see you hiding it behind your back!

Hiei: Um, Um, shifty eyes Run Suzan! I'll Hold them off!Hiei throws 'Suzan out the third story widow and starts doing crappy, fake, Karate moves. Shouting out threats same while his mouth moved at a _comepletely_ different rate than what he was talking.

Kurama: Quietly praying- ok. Not really. Everyone could hear him Please take your shirt off. Please take your shirt off. Please take your shirt off. Please take your shirt off. Please take your shirt off. Please-

Everyone(except Hiei, since he's a total ditz in here): O.O WHAT THE FCK!

Kurama: glances around sheepishly ahh, heh heh heh. Just kidding! GIANT sweat drop ;

Random person: to other random person Hah! You owe me 6.95! I told you he was swinging for the other side!

Random Person 2: Why do you care? It's not like _your_ gay or anything.

Random Person 1: No! Of Course I'm not! I'm straighter than Ricky Martin! shifty eyes

Random Person 2: O.O; But Ricky Matins g-

BANG!

Random Person 2: YOU SHOT ME! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SHOT ME! I'M BLEEDING! I AM BLEEDING VERY BAD. I SEE A BRIGHT LIGHT. IT'S BEAUTIFUL. I SEE FLAMES. LOT'S, AND LOT'S, AND LOTS, OF FLAMES. IT'S BURNING DOWN HERE! OWWW! STOP POKING ME! NO I DON'T WANT TO BE A SPIT TURNER! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS! AHHHHHHHHH!

Mr. Chibi: to random person number one Clean this mess up young man! I don't want you to ever shoot someone again! You got me? Now since this is your first time-

Random Person 3: No it's not! He's done it before! I swear! He's just in denial about the fact that he's gay!

Random Person 1: I am not in denial!

Random Person 3: You're _so_ in denial, you're in denial about being in denial!

Keiko: Since you're not in denial does that mean you are gay?

RP1: No! I'm not gay! AHHH!runs out similar to how Nefarious did.

Speaking of Nefarious, he was so upset about Hiei's little comment that he was about to jump off the school roof .Where RP1 just so happened to be headed.

Nefarious: good bye cruel world! Remember me as the guy who was but a word.

RP1: Dude! Whatcha doing?

Nefarious: I'm gonna jump! I have nothing left to live for! I'm a 14 year old virgin for Christs sake! How can I continue on like this!

RP1: If I sleep with you do you promise not to jump?

Nefarious: Sure!

RP1: Okay then! Let's use the principles desk. He's out doing the nurse anyway.

Nefarious: Okay!

See everyone's happy! Except RP2 who's dead of course. But who cares? Oh and 14 is way too young to be sleeping around. 16 is a more acceptable number. Then you're not a whore, just a slut.

**back to the classroom**

Hiei: Kurama, What's 'gay'?

Kurama: I really hope you are.

Hiei: Huh?

Kurama: Um, it means 'happy' Hiei.mutters Just like how I'd be if you _were_ gay.

Hiei: But I am Gay Kurama!

Kurama: grinning like a loon REALLY!

Hiei: Yeah! I'm Happy! See?Grins widely

Kurama: ohh, Yeah.

Hiei: And now were both Happy! I just wish Your Lover was too.sigh

Kurama:sigh Yeah, me too. TT(anime tears)

Hmmm… we haven't been seeing Mr. Chibi for a while now, I wonder where he could be?

Mr. Chibi: Here I am!

Keiko: Jumps ten feet in air Dude! Whereve you been? We haven't seen for a while now.

Mr. Chibi: The authoress couldn't find any use for me so she sent me away until she _could_ find use for me.

Kurama: What was that like?takes out notebook so he can take notes, for you see many a soul has wondered of what goes on in the inner workings of my mind, yet few make it back sane to tell the tale

Mr. Chibi: well, it was weird. Really weird. All these odd creatures and people kept popping up out of nowhere and talking to me about really random stuff then just disappearing right in the middle of the conversation!

Kurama: And how did that make you feel?

Mr. Chibi: I didn't care really. They weren't actually talking to me. What really freaked me out was that the world kept changing! One minute it's this really dark looking world with tons of cute animals and stuff then it's like the fcking apocalypse! The skies would get all red and demons would start popping up out of the ground… It was scary! Then it'd get all rainy and depressing. It really all depended on her mood.

Kurama: How many times a day would you say, did her mood change?

Mr. Chibi: If she was listening to music, it could change five times in one minute. If not, seven times an hour.

Kurama: Which mood scared you the most?

Mr. Chibi: When she was hyper. That girls got a seriously twisted imagination!

Keiko: Wait a minute; you said she'll only let you out if she has some use for you. What does she want?

Mr. Chibi: What? Oh yeah! I had an important message! mutters Where did I put that bloody script? Oh Yes! Hear it is! clears throat loudly Ahem! (Drum roll please!) smoothes shirt, fixes hair, clears throat again, gargles some water, tunes voice, does some stretches-

Keiko: Get on with the bloody message!

Mr. Chibi: jumps at the sound of Keiko yelling at him Oops! Sorry! ;

Keiko: mutters stupid teachers, never doing anything right, always annoying the crap out of everyone-

Mr. Chibi: YOU WANT THIS MESSAGE OR NOT?

Keiko: yeah, sure, whatever.

Mr.Chibi: Good. Now, ahem-stops clearing throat when he sees keiko starting to sharpen her dagger collection.(where she got a dagger collection I have no idea) Anywho! The Message is; 'Where's Yusuke?'

Everbody: Anime falls

Kurama: That's it! That's the big message from the inside of the Authoresses mind? 'Where's Yusuke? Youv'e gotta be shting me!

Hiei: O.o OOOHHHH! Kuramaaaaaa ssswwwwooooorrrrreeeee!

Kurama: blush I'm Sorry Hiei! I was just frustrated! I mean besides the fact that I'm extremely horny…

Keiko: eyeroll We_ didn't_ need to know that.

Kurama: shrug I'm 14 what do you expect?

Keiko: O.o; …..I don't…..know….

Hiei: Hugs kurama It's okay Kurama! You're only human!

Kurama: smiling brightly Thanks Hiei!

Keiko: By the way, who's Yusuke?

TBC

**A/N: MMWWWAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAH! **

**You thought I forgot about Yusuke huh? Well I didn't! He's coming up in the next chapter! Yeah! And More Kuwabara Bashing! More Erotic Kurama! More Silly Hiei! More everything! AND….. I found my socks! They were on my fan! I don't know why….O.o;; Oh well- One of life's little mysteries I guess! **

**Ja Ne!(see ya later) Yeah exactly six pages- **


	4. Purple cuddle cookies

So,….it's been a while. Yep. Quite some time has passed. Surprised I haven't been flamed for it. So…um…thanks for not sending killer ninjas. That would have sucked. I'm not really a martial arts expert. Yeah. I'll just write the fic now.

Recap:

"So…Who's Yusuke?"

"Who?" Mr. Chibi questioned.

"Yusuke!" Keiko screamed. "WHO IS HE?"

"Who is he? Who am I? Does it really even matter? In the end-"

O.o "What are you talking about old man?" Keiko groaned. A sharp throbbing ache flashed through her head.

"Ooh! Lookey Kurama!" Hiei squealed "There's a pelican pecking Keiko's head!"

"Seriously," Mr. Chibi persisted. "Who is 'Yusuke'? Ooh! Does he have purple cuddle cookies made out of dreams and love!"

"What the…? How did you…? Where do you come up with this stuff?" Keiko asked weakly. The pelican on her head paused in its vicious attack to out through the computer screen, his swirling colorful eyes boring into yours, pulling you closer, closer… your mind slipping into darkness. Bye, bye, brain! Closer, closer… until you hit your head on the glass of your monitor. The pelican shrugged. "It's a living" He stated in a monotone. Before flying off to peck Hiei's head. But whether the gravity defying hair wouldn't let him or the dull echoing annoyed him he soon flew off to be a cement mixer on a cheap cartoon about cavemen. Where his sassy one liner "It's a living" would forever be thought of as the brilliant zinger of the show's writers and never remembered as starting out in a small, cheap, crappy high school where its closet/Library contained nothing but movie tie in novels and drugstore paperbacks and the possibility of graduating was a .9 chance in HELL! But I digress.

Now, one might at this moment assume that dear Yusuke was cutting class smoking. But since you know everyone's OOC you could be under the impression that he's a misunderstood, frustrated novelist cutting class to hide in bathroom stalls writing an epic moving drama that reflects the struggles of man in some cheap tattered notebook he had to shoplift 'cause papa would beat him if her found out that poor Yusuke was throwing his hard earned farming money away on silly things like writing materials.

Well actually, he was lost. After all every room number is 123. We shall now join him as the classroom conversation bores me and I feel like acting like a haughty bitch right now.

"Okay so if I take a right at old Mr. Johnson's farm, go left on the fork in the road, past room 123, take a left at room 123, stop at Joes diner for lunch, go down the hallway with all the room's 123 and take a left at the end and I'll get to room 123!" Never take directions from a drunken tarot reader. Really. It's not safe. Every year 1 in 2,000,000 people will die from drunken tarot reader directions. As you are reading this someone will die in five years from drunken tarot directions. So if you every see your smashed friend walking out of a bar, keys and tarot cards in hand, do the right thing. Take him home, give him some more liquor until he starts calling you sexy and asking for you to get together and grab a motel room and make hot gay love to him and then give him a roofie so he won't remember.

To tell you the truth it's amazing Yusuke didn't find his class earlier. Amy Fischer High sucked monkey and no respectable parent wanted to send their kid their. Really only emotionally/mentally disturbed kids and absolute idiots went their. And I'm not talking about kids with learning disorders. I mean real live dumb as butter kids who couldn't tell the sky from their ass. Yusuke was one of them.

"Where's Yusuke?" Yusuke looked at the ceiling. "Did some one say my name?" The sheet of plastic taped over the school wiring in place of actual ceiling didn't answer.

And that's basically where Yusuke been this whole time. Right out side that door there.

Keiko had never encountered a more devious group. In reality there wasn't very man of them. The teacher; the suicidal; the gothic…happy, kinda stupid everything but pessimistic, could have passed as Mr. Chibi's taller (but only by a little bit) son; the red headed, would be lover of the Goth (had said Goth been less stupid) and probably the horniest person she'd ever met; and the other red head. But he hadn't done much. So she assumed he was here for stupidity. Unlike the others. Who needed to be kept away from other children. Which was strange seeing as the 'other red head' could be considered one of the 'other' children. You know. Normal, but _so _stupid.

Then the door opened. Ok. Maybe not opened, so much as the cheap hinges the constructers bought at a Dollar General gave way and the door fell from its frame. As the dust cleared, not surprisingly their was a lot of it, a figure appeared. Standing against the grime chest puffed out, stature erect head upturned at the fallen overgrown stick, every bit a respectable and strong man. But as I said the dust cleared. And they saw that it was just a gawking idiot staring at the ceiling.

He turned, Hiei screamed.


	5. wrongful imitations and clouds

For making you wait so long here's another chapter. See? Another! I do good? Puppy eyes

By the way, I didn't do a disclaimer last time so here's one for this chapter and the one I forgot.

DISCLAIMER: yeah. I created YYH then decided to write fanfiction about it cause no one would except my new scripts. Bastards.

Recap: He turned. Hiei screamed.

Yusuke definitely wasn't what Keiko was expecting. He appeared to be some horrible mixture of punk and nerd she'd never heard of before (and coincidently had never been documented). His hair was sleeked back, bringing to Keiko's mind a McDonalds, He had a thin mustache over his lip a small invasion of acne, and worst of all(really it was bad) a thick pair of green dime store glasses. At this point the checkered Vans on his feet, black nail polish, and skull cross bone tie couldn't make up for the monstrosity that was those glasses. It could in no way be considered a bold fashion statement. It was obviously the product of cheap parents and bad eye sight.

But of course no one wants to here about bad fashion choice. Behind Keiko Kurama stood trying to calm down a distraught Hiei.

"It's okay Hiei. He can't hurt you." Kurama reminded him. Patting him on the head. Then quickly removing it.

"But there so ugly! It's like elephant man, only Michael Jackson doesn't own his skeleton!" Kurama nodded distractedly, cradling his bleeding hand. "We've been through this before Hiei," Kurama began still mourning the fact that, quite frankly, he'd probably never get to run his fingers through the boy's hair if it hurt so damn much! "Yusuke's glasses can't hurt you. You're bigger than them!" Kurama enthused. You try reasoning with a crazy, kinda, Goth. Ain't easy.

Now, Mr. Chibi had stood idly by through this (partly because he was afraid they'd squish him if he objected, but mostly because he's lazy that way) but he'd noticed that today was TUESDAY! Around this time magical workers from the state would pop up to make sure that Mr. Chibi was on his medication and not violating his parole. So he reached over to his secret place under his desk where his brother the keebler elf hid his tree and did his secret 'cookie' dealings and where Snap, Crackle and Pop, well… snapped crackled and popped. Besides these weird residents, Mr. Chibi's desk also contained a 'secret' button where if pushed did something distracting. That got peoples attention. So he pushed it. And something distracting happened and all the kids looked his way. 'cause it was so distracting. Biatch. Then for unknown reasons they sat at their desks and waited for class to begin.

Now, because Mr. Chibi is so short, he had to sit on a stack of books that could have been in the library, after all they were classics. But instead his little half-elf butt and shoes perched themselves on them instead. And because (as I said before) this school sucks monkey the kids had to steal books from Mr. Chibi's pile to straighten out their desks. Which basically resulted in them only being able to see the top of his head. In the very center (among worn, erotic paperbacks bought at supermarkets and an impossible amount of Coke cans) Mr. Chibi's desk( a weighed down piece of wood on a couple of cinder blocks) was the most battered composition notebook you'll probably ever see. Then again, you probably won't notice it. After all, many a "talented" student had passed through Amy Fischer Junior High and had viewed the desk as the most sought after canvas. Many a declaration of love (_K+T4eva) _and witty little poems ( Chibi, Chibi had a prick, the tiniest dk no girl would lick) scarred the 'desk'. But Chibi ignored the taunts and idiotic vows and instead turned back to his lesson. Honorable teacher he is.

Mr. Chibi flipped to random page, (history) held his arms wide open (you know, like in that song? By Creed? The Christian rock guys? Come on! Everyone picks on them!) and began his sermon. I mean lesson. Right. Lesson. I'll go with that.

"Four scores and seven years ago, I had a dream, that a story (that nobody gave a damn about after the sixties ((but apparently Stephen King loved it!)) up until it became a movie and was cool) about short hairy men like me, and a tall handsome mysterious guy would speak Klingon and look for an engagement ring so they could Marry the chick with the white beard (you know the one with the crystal ball with the eye in it Solomon or something?) who hosted all those mud wrestling contests with ugly deformed chicks called 'orcs'. And then the goblins lost all their money to a kid with a scar and because of that everyone was depressed and they all lived in crappy trailers where they ate biscuits and gravy and read too much Nancy Drew- "

This might have gone on, really it probably would have, this guy had a_ lot_ of time in rehab, except the distracting thing doesn't last all that long. Not since the kids started building up immunity to it. Keiko, the first to shake it off (surprising since this her first day ((thought I forgot didn't you))) decide to complain about the lesson. 'Cause she has nothing better to do.

"Where are you getting all this from? Why don't we have textbooks too? Were you high when you wrote this! _Blah blah blah…"_

Of course it's understandable that Mr. Chibi would be upset by this. No one was supposed to know about his secret stash! He kept it very well hidden! (The in the _Whitman's _sugar free candy box hidden in one of the cinder blocks. ((Everyone went for the non- sugar free one. There was nothing important in their. Just his life insurance.))) But of course he couldn't kill a student. Not again. So he pulled the oldest trick in the book. Lunch. What? You thought that was for us?

"Oops. It seems class must be cut short, once again, so we may all participate in the sacred ritual of gorging ourselves until we puke. Toodaloo!"

He then ran out the space where the door once occupied. He was pretty fast for a guy with stubs for legs.

Botan raised her head from her arms and looked around. "We don't have a clock." She told them. She then pointed. They all turned to look. True to her word, their was nothing but a plate nailed to the wall with literal hands painted on it. Yusuke stood.

"Oh goodey! Lunches! I'm starving! Let's go to Joes!"

Not surprisingly they ignored him. Nobody pays attention to the punk poser nerd thing. It's against the law. And everyone loves a good shoot 'em up anyway.

Kurama was probably the first to voice a truly thought provoking question.

"Where the hell are we supposed to eat any way?" This wasn't a stupid question really. He had of course been to this school before. So he should no where the cafeteria was. The problem of course is that there's no one to prepare the food. They all left claiming that the kitchen was haunted (Kurama still felt bad about letting Hiei have sugar that day)

Kuwabara stood, Ecstatic at the chance to finally prove his worth.

"I know what to do!"

"The ROOF?" Botan asked. Glancing up at the sky. Its purple vastness glittered back at her. She blanched and flipped it off. How dare it be kind. The Sky had a similar thought path. Only it was more, 'what's that &$ PROBLEM! I was just trying to be nice.' Thus it began its attack plan on 'the blue haired &$'.

"Yeah!" Kuwabara exclaimed. "Everyone goes up here during lunch!"

Simultaneously everyone glanced around. They were of course the only ones up there.

"In what country exactly do they practice this?" Kurama asked finally.

"Hollywood. Duh!" Kuwabara grinned, pleased with the fact that he finally knew something Kurama didn't.

"Well, they do say art imitates life." Kurama said finally. Effectively ignoring Kuwabara's tone.

"Who's though?" Hiei wondered. He never of course noticed the expressions of incredibility, he rarely showed signs of higher thinking after all, he just stared up at the clouds. The weirdest expression on his face.

Kurama finally recovered, he was the first actually. Smart Hiei is a hell of a lot harder getting used to than any 'super distracting device' no point in hurting his brain trying to solve an unsolvable mystery though, so with a lot of coaxing (Bribes and blackmail) the rest were brought back from Wonderland. Sad. The rabbit was just going to sew there mouths' shut too. We could continue to mourn the loss of mutilation by hare, but more interesting things are about to happen. I think. Far, far, below, (about four yards really) a flock of rampid rat like flying nuances took off (pigeons) a really, I mean really, over the top pink car (it had no top, if it helps. I'm not the greatest with cars) peeled down the road. Well, it kind of bumped actually. And would probably hurt if the damned thing had a roof. But it didn't, so the occupants only had to worry about going deaf and being thrown bodily from the rip-your- eyes-out- pink car. All of them it just so happened were singing. If you could call it that. You might. If you were tone deaf or something. Maybe they were screaming. I'm not really sure at this point.

Of course a bright pink, bouncing, screaming car is far more fascinating then a roof and conversation about how life represents itself. So everyone jumped down from the roof (coincidently, they prayed the whole way down. Not sure why. Maybe there really religious or something.Hmmm…) and ran out to the road. They would have continued on from their but the landing hurt like hell (The guards posted around the perimeter with guns didn't really have that much to do with it. Really.) Hiei on the other hand, continued standing their. Mostly 'cause he hadn't yet realized what was going on. And partly because of depth. Not height. Depth. Height goes up. Depth goes down. You do the math. Don't laugh. He's short. Any short guy not afraid of falling has got balls. Figuratively. Hiei definitely had them literally (something Kurama would be crying tears of joy about if he'd heard.) Figuratively though, he was a real Nancy. That, and Kurama had forgotten to help him down! Kurama never forgot about him! (If Hiei had known just how true this statement was…well, I don't know. Does he seem like the type to be upset by that?) So he just watched them all pile on to the road. In front of the cars bouncing path. Idiots. Hiei glanced back up at the sky.

"They're plotting something." He noted. Glaring directly at the clouds.


End file.
